


Standing Next To Me

by rosierey



Series: Short Movie [1]
Category: Mission: Impossible (Movies)
Genre: Drowning, First Kiss, Fourth of July, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mission Fic, Mutual Pining, Neck Kissing, Oral Sex, Sleepy Cuddles, Slow Burn, benji in glasses y'all know, glasses porn, im adding tags as we go, im sorry im not good at tagging, not exactly, shy boys, these two just need to get it together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-18 01:13:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16107698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosierey/pseuds/rosierey
Summary: Benji has loved Ethan for longer than he knows, these are the moments he falls in love...





	1. Tap At My Window

**Author's Note:**

> this fic takes place post-rogue nation right up until post-fallout, because I love slow-burns and suffering.
> 
> please excuse any inaccuracies or continuity errors, this fic comes from a place of love but also tiredness!
> 
> i hope you enjoy! i love these boys a lot! x

-PROLOGUE-

Waking up tied to a chair was nothing new for Ethan. He'd been tied up a thousand different ways, a thousand different times. As he flexed his wrists, bound to the arms of the chair, he knew it was zip-ties by the slip of the plastic over his skin. These were also nothing new either. 

He blinked at his surroundings that swam in and out of focus, trying to remember what led him here. The throbbing pain at the back of his skull told him he'd been knocked unconscious. With a grimace he flexed his body checking for any more injures, his nose ached but nothing felt out of place. That was good at least. 

They'd taken his shoes, he realised, feeling the cold wet floor under his toes and his shirt was missing. Ethan had learnt early on, those were never good signs. He twisted his wrists again, the plastic pinching, but there was very little give.

After a minute or two the room stopped moving and his vision cleared. He realised the room really was swaying- so he was on a boat, in dock most likely. The round window was overhead to his right and lit the room dimly; day time. He hadn't been out for long. All he could smell was rust and his own blood smearing his upper lip.

Finally there was noise; a bang, heavy foot steps. The door creaked and groaned, opening to pour light over Ethan. It was warm and disappeared just as quickly, making him shudder. He hadn't realised how cold it was until now. 

"Hey fellas." He managed, voice a little less smooth than he would've liked. The two men who entered ignore him- one standing near the door, clutching an AK to his jacket and staring at the wall. Ex-military?

The other was different; slimmer with an uncomfortably calculating look about him. He dragged from behind Ethan a small table, the kind you'd find in a surgical theater but old and battered. From his back pocket he took out something black and leather and Ethan watched in apprehension as he unfolded it on the table. The needle and vial inside glinted in the sunlight.

The man met his gaze with a cold stare, no small amount of pleasure twinkling in his eye.

"Mr Hunt, we've been tracking you for a while," he said, accent Russian. "Well, more accurately, we've been tracking you tracking us. Like puppy chasing its tail, no?"

Days and weeks sat at desks, in safe-houses between cases, after hours in the office pouring over Syndicate Casework meant Ethan kicked himself for recognising him sooner.

Gorbachev, former Russian intelligence presumed dead, suspected Syndicate agent.

"Leonid Gorbachev." Ethan said with a smile, "you know I thought you'd be taller." Gorbachev bristled as he smiled. His knuckles connected with Ethan's rib like a snake lashing out. Ethan snapped in two, suppressing a groan.

"As I did you." Gorbachev said near his ear. "In fact I expected the man who took down Solomon Lane to be something of a, a giant. Big as a mountain."

"Sorry to disappoint." Ethan croaked. 

"No matter. Tell me, Hunt, have you heard of the mythical creature, the 'hydra'?"

Ethan sighed, already bored of the theatrics, "Hercules fought it. Every time he cut of one head.... another would grow in its place." Gorbachev delicately pulled out the needle and vial, pushing the tip in and pulling back the plunger. The liquid was much too close to the colour of urine for Ethan's liking.

"This is true. It is sweet of your... impossible mission force to assume removing this head would kill the beast below." Gorbachev inspected the needle for air bubbles, taping it with his fore finger. Instinctively, Ethan tugged at the restraints again. "You may be Hercules, Mr Hunt, but in this tale the Hydra will kill the hero and there is nothing you can do about it. First though, we must extract as much as we can about your agency and what you know of the Syndicate."

Futilely Ethan leaned away as Gorbachev came close again, but he got him by an iron grip on his bicep and held his arm in place.

"W-wai-" The needle pierced his skin smoothly and there was an uncomfortable ache as the fluid slid in. Almost immediately he started to feel something, a little dizzy like he drank a beer on an empty stomach. Breathing heavily, he asked: "What have you given me?"

The man bent over Ethan, grabbing the hair at the base of his neck and pulling his head back. 

"Something we've been developing for a while, the chemical name is a little convoluted- let's call it Truth Serum." Gorbachev grinned like a dog bearing its teeth. Not good, Ethan thought, not good at all. The light-headedness was starting to get worse. He had to act quickly.

He threw his head forward, connecting brutally with Gorbachev's nose. The man went reeling backward and dropped the needle almost perfectly into Ethan's hand. The brawn by the door stuttered into action but Ethan was faster- he jammed the needle into the plastic, twisting, and snapped it. Bullets started flying and he lunged forward, grabbing the table as he fell and launching it at the brawn. The man choked as it connected with his throat- staggering backward into the wall.

A knife protruded from the back of Gorbachev's jeans and Ethan grabbed it, snapping off the rest of his bonds. He scrambled to his feet and kicked out, Gorbachev's neck making a satisfying crack as it went back. The brawn scrambled upward again, spinning his gun toward Ethan who launched feet first kicking it into his jaw. Without pause he punched the man in the temple and they fell to the ground like a stone.

Everything was suddenly quiet and Ethan swayed, vision dancing again. He could hear his heart thumping much to fast. For a moment he leaned with one hand against the wall, closing his eyes. This was not good. He grabbed the brawn's jacket, shoes and gun and went to the door.

\------------------------------------

Most nights Benji didn't have time to cook. He'd get stuck at the office and end up with something from the vending machine, or get stuck in the field where cooking wasn't usually a priority. So Benji would make the most of it on nights he got home before eight. He'd put on his IPod and get some pretty good wine, and fresh food. He may even dance around the kitchen a little but that's between him and his security cameras.

It'd been a boring day again. The agency liked to switch him between field work and desk work constantly, he was too good at both to abandon one. He'd be smug about it but it was tiresome. All he really want was to be out in the field. He'd got a taste for it- he understood Ethan more now and why the bastard never seemed inclined to retire. 

Today Benji was back behind a desk de-crypting some intelligence for field agents who needed it in the next twenty hours. Of course he had done it with hours to spare but his back hurt and his fingers ached; so it felt right to treat himself to a good meal and fall asleep wine-drunk on the sofa. 

He yawned as he sliced the last of the spring onion, and dumped the handful in the blender. Then the doorbell rang and his heart sank.

"What the..." He grumbled, wiping his palms on his jeans. He twisted the two locks and undid the latch opening it a little at first then wider. There was no one there. With a frown he stepped outside looking up and down the corridor; all his neighbours doors were closed and he couldn't hear any footsteps. 

At that moment Mrs. Bundell came out of her apartment, towing a bin bag behind her. She looked up, as she closed the door, saw Benji and smiled.

"Hello, dear."

"Afternoon, Mrs. Bundell. How're you?" Benji asked.

"I'm quite alright, why are you standing around out here, hun?" She asked, peering at him over her thick purple rimmed glasses. 

"Thought someone was at the door..." He murmured, chewing his lip.

"Kids these days. No imagination. When I was young it was dog shit and brown paper bags on fire, now it's just ring and run." She kept mumbling as she shuffled off toward the stairs, and Benji watched her go in bemusement. 

Benji re-latched the locks, wondering if he should check the hidden camera's he installed in the building when he moved in but something stopped him. The living room window was open, curtains buffeted by the breeze. Oh God, where was the gun he hide? The kitchen? He really should remember these things. 

"Benji."

"Hoo-my God!" 

Turning on the spot he found Ethan leaning on the kitchen counter, torso exposed through an open jacket and face bloody. On the counter, beside his array of vegetable, was the contents of his first aid kit. 

"Ethan, Christ! You almost gave me a bloody heart attack wh- are you bleeding?" Benji said, hurrying over. It took a second for Ethan to focus on him, and Benji wondered if it was blood loss. 

"Yeah, yeah." Ethan said dazedly, "he got me, didn't see. I threw a table at him it was great. I like fighting. I like kicking."

He grabbed at the jacket, moving it aside to see a gash above Ethan's hip.

"We need to get you to a hospital." Benji muttered.

"Are you cooking?" 

"Wh- yes, that doesn't- you've been shot! Did you ring the doorbell?" 

"Yes... It's a flesh wound you can stitch me up. I've seen your file you have training." Ethan grinned at him and patted his arm. Not blood lose; alcohol? That wasn't like Ethan.

"Come one, bathroom. If you end up with a scar you can't blame me alright, I almost failed field medicine." 

"I like scars, don't you like scars? Don't you like my scars?" Ethan slurred and Benji furtively ignored him.

Benji sat Ethan on the bath side and pulled in a chair from the living room to sit at his side. It wasn't a bad wound, very clean and shallow even with the blood stained around it. He switched his focus between dealing with it and looking at Ethan. The man did nothing, just stared- dazed- at the tiled wall, arm obediently raised. When the needle went in he barely flinched.

"Did they give you something?" Benji asked halfway finished and feeling a little ill.

"Hm? Yes." Ethan replied with an slow, deliberate nod. Tying off his handy work, Benji stood and put the bloody excess in the sink then stood in front of Ethan and checked his eyes. The pupils were huge. Ethan looked up at him and smiled dozily, swaying a little. His fringe fell away and Benji itched to tuck it behind his ear. He cleared his throat instead.

"Can you tell me what they gave you?"

"He said it was truth Serum."

"He? He who?"

Ethan chuckled quietly like it was funny. "Um, Leonid. Gord-Grord-Gorbachev."

"Gorbachev... former Russia intelligence, we thought he might be working with Lane." Beni put two fingers to Ethan's throat to check his pulse. It was a little fast but nothing to worry about. "So we were right, why did he take you?"

"S'nice." Ethan hummed. 

"What?" 

"Hand." He drooped onto Benji's outstretched palm, eyes closed and Benji scrambled to grab him by the shoulders and keep him up. 

"Ethan, woah woah, stay with me here. Have you told the imf?" 

"Mmno, thought I was..." Ethan's brow furrowed and his jaw clenched under Benji's fingers, "I... wanted to see... you instead. It's safer. Feels safer than that place."

"That place? Ethan you-" Benji stopped- the truth serum was very effective. He didn't want Ethan to say anything he wouldn't usual and hesitated. "Let's get you some clothes and, you're staying here. Make sure there's not side effects."

Ethan nodded, still in Benji's hand. "You know best."

"Yeah, Benji knows best." He scoffed.

"Benji knows best." Ethan muttered after him and Benji could sense he was in for a weird night. 

-

Surveying the state of his kitchen- the crowded counter top and its one bloody hand print- Benji knew he wasn't going to have this dinner tonight. Behind him Ethan pottered around in a pair of much too long joggers, rolled up to his ankles, and a green B-52's shirt. As Benji started to clean up he eyed Ethan's journey around the living room- inspecting all the shelves of books and the trinkets around them, and the stack of CD's and games around the flat screen on the wall. His face was a constant picture of curious amusement. Ethan picked up a model motorcycle from a shelves, rolling its wheels over his palm.

"You like bikes?"

"Uh, yes." Ethan muttered, dumping the contents of the blender in the bin.

"How come I didn't know that? I'm your best friend, Benji." Ethan looked at him, betrayal on his face like a jilted lover. Benji stared at him, frozen with his foot on the bin peddle, he couldn't let his mind go there right now. 

"Yeah, well, I-I just don't like how you ride a bike. That is, like a maniac." He dropped the lip and went to the sink.

"I'm a very safe driver. I've been driving since I was thirteen." Ethan replied. This was the most chatty Ethan had ever been in their ten years of friendship. 

"I have the whiplash to prove otherwise." Benji snorted.

"That's-" The response came to a stuttering stop and Benji looked over his shoulder at Ethan, standing at the kitchen island. He was looking at the wood grain so intently Benji was expecting it to confess. Then Ethan's eyes softened, glazed, and met Benji's. "I'd never mean to hurt you, Benji. You...mean too much..." 

This stuff was powerful, it was forcing this stuff out of Ethan even though he clearly was trying not to say anything. 

"Ethan, just, sit down." Benji said loudly, pointing at a stool and the agent sat heavily. "I'm going to make you a coffee and call this in."

"No."

"Pardon?" He looked at Ethan who was still blearily looking around.

"Gord- Grob- He said he saw the mission report. Mission report is classified." 

"So someone got him the file, or hacked the database." Benji realised, "I'll tell Brandt then."

Ethan still looked unhappy but nodded.

They sat in silence as Benji made the coffee (coffee's he thought as the kettle finished boiling, sensing he was in for a long night). 

"I've never been in your house before." Ethan said suddenly.

"I've never been to yours." Benji countered, stirring the drinks.

"That's because I don't have one."

Benji turned and put the mug in front of Ethan, who's hands curled around it. "What? Yes you do."

"No... that place." He sighed. Benji leant against the counter and waited. "It reminded me of Julia too much. This place is nicer. Smaller."

"Thanks." Benji laughed.

"But this place feels better, feels like a real home."

Benji swallowed, knowing it wasn't fair to keep talking to Ethan when he was like this but he had to ask. "Why?"

"Because... you're here." Ethan muttered, looking up at Benji with a half-smile. Benji wasn't sure what he'd been expecting but that answer was not it. He was frozen in place until the hot mug started to make his fingers sting. Ethan just kept smiling.

"I'm going to call Brandt." Benji decided, escaping as quickly as possible.

-

He had the phone to his ear before he realised Ethan had followed him into the bedroom. As the number rang he watched Ethan walk about the room feeling very self-conscious, and very aware of the clothes on the floor. 

"Hello?"

"Brandt, it's Benji, are you secure?" He asked as Ethan took a book from a shelf and flipped through the pages. It was a first edition copy of Moby Dick.

"It's my private line, It's secure- what's up?"

"Ethan w-"

"Yes?" Ethan looked up at him, and Benji was reminded of his sister's dog Pumpkin when its name was called.

"No not you, I'm talking to Brandt. Ethan was taken today by someone from the Syndicate."

"The Syndicate? They're still active... is he okay?"

"...Mostly. They gave him something to make him talk, but they knew about Imf classified files. They knew Ethan took down Lane."

"You think we've been hacked? We got an alert earlier today, someone tried to get passed our firewalls but didn't succeed. May have been a decoy."

"That's-" Benji noticed Ethan picking up one of the fossils on an upper-shelve and sped over to take it from his hand and put it back, "that's what we're thinking."

"Brandt has a weird shaped head." Ethan muttered and Benji snorted.

"What did he say?"

"Nothing." He followed Ethan across the room to the bedside and intercepted his path to the bedside table, that would be so much worse than a broken fossil. "I'm keeping Ethan here for now, he seems safe. If anything happens I'll bring him in." He gave Ethan a stern look, hand firmly holding the draw closed, and Ethan frowned but turned away.

"Alright. I'll call if anything comes up. If there's a breach we'll find it and fix it."

Brandt hung up as Ethan was peering in the closet.

"Ethan. Ethan! Stop. This is worse than babysitting my nephew."

"You have a nephew?" Ethan asked, closing the door. 

"Yeah, Quentin he's five. You're worse than a five year old." Benji waited for Ethan to do something else but the man just stood at the edge of the bed staring at the rumpled sheet, eyelids droopy.

"C'mon you can sleep in here tonight."

He helped Ethan under the covers, amazed by how easily Ethan went under his touch. Another thing not to think about. Ethan laid his head on the pillow and watched Benji pull the duvet over his shoulder. 

"I don't know anything about you." Ethan whispered. It sounded so tragic, Benji had to pause. 

"I don't know much about you either, Ethan. You keep everything close to your chest." Benji sighed and sat on the edge of the mattress. "You didn't even tell me the truth about Julia. You let me believe what everyone else believed."

"I couldn't let anything... happen to my family." Ethan murmured, closing his eyes. 

"I understand." Benji said. He reached out and brushed Ethan's fringe from his forehead.

"No. I had to protect my family." Ethan shifted, opening his eyes a fraction to look at Benji. "If I had told you, you'd have been in danger too."

Benji's heart beat jumped. He swallowed hard, hands shaking a little. 

"Thank you, Ethan." He stood to leave but paused, "you don't have to do everything by yourself. I'm here for you too."

"I know... that's why I'm here." 

Benji turned but Ethan's eyes were closed again and his face was pressed into the pillow. He looked soft, and Benji's heart melted. He'd never seen Ethan so peaceful. The only other time he'd seen the man asleep was on the plane to India, curled up tight like a spring, face shadowed with bad dreams.

He realised he was standing watch his friend sleep for a lot longer than appropriate (approaching 'creepy' territory) and quickly went to the living room. He left the door ajar in case. 

-

The next morning Benji woke to sunlight and a crick in his neck. Sitting up he stretched and cursed the pop of his back. For a moment he contemplate his dream, or lack thereof, and wondered if it had anything to do with the presence in the other room. But when he went to check the bed was empty yet made with precise corners. His heart sank unexpectedly- had he wanted to see Ethan asleep in his bed? Wanted to know what he looked like in the morning?

With a long suffering sigh, he shook the cobwebs from his head and went to make breakfast.

-

Mondays were awful. All Mondays were awful, but especially the first Monday after a four days off. Benji sighed as he squeezed into the lift surrounded by colleagues who looked equally unhappy to be there. The numbers ticked up to his floor and he exited the confined space with a murmured sorry. Since becoming a field agent 'desk duty' was a dreaded term, and every time he was assigned it he knew his week would be shit. It meant coming in early, staying late, listening to snotty agents and trainee's ask cringe worthy computer questions, shifting through data for that one tiny gold nugget for not so much as a thank you...

Benji took a deep breath, sensing his already stormy mood, and went to the computer lab. A few other's were already there- called in early for emergency field assistance. 

He nodded hello to whomever he passed and sort out the refuge of his desk at the back. But to his surprise he found the table top occupied; by a tall travel mug. Peering around, Benji tried to find the culprit but there was no one paying him any attention. He came around the desk and sat suspiciously, eyeing the thing. He put down his bag and reached over, lifting the lid like something might jump out. All he found inside was a very nice looking cup of tea, that smelled just as delicious.

"Milk, three sugars."

He almost tipped the contents into his lap. "Jesu- Ethan?" 

As if from nowhere, Ethan stood behind the monitors looking at him with a smile. Benji hated it when he did that. (He didn't).

"Morning, Benji."

"Morning, is this yours?"

"It's for you. Milk and three sugars, right?" Ethan replied, moving to perch on the corner of the desk. He was dress in his classic 'field' clothing- all black and terribly practical.

"Yes- no four sugars." 

"I thought so." Ethan tutted and Benji realised he'd been trapped, "you should really have no sugar, Benji."

"As much as I enjoy you criticising my caffeine intake, why the tea?" Benji asked lifting the drink to his lips. It was excellent and he sighed. Of course Ethan could make a perfect tea.

"To say thank you." Ethan answered, crossing his arms, "For sheltering me while I was drugged." 

"Oh, well, you didn't have to." Benji muttered and he could feel himself start to blush, "you would've done the same."

Ethan grinned. "Just let me say thank you, Benji."

"You're welcome." Benji whispered behind the cup.

"Good. I have a flight to catch." For beside his leg, Ethan lifted a hold all (matching black).

"You're going into the field?" Benji asked, hoping he didn't come off too jealous. But Ethan's gaze was knowing.

"Mylasia. Ruining down some leads on whomever released the mission report on Lane. I'll be back in now time."

Benji laughed half-heartedly and watched his friend walk away. "Try not to have too much fun without me."

"I never do." Ethan called back. 

The rest of the day Benji tried to ignore the permanent smile on his face and why is was there.


	2. Saved These Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fallout is not the boys first time in Paris...

He had managed to forget about his birthday right up until the moment his sister texted him at midnight with a hundred party hat and firework emoji's. The buzz drew his attention from the binoculars, and he groaned when he saw the message. He was hoping everyone else would forget too. Without replying, he tucked it back on the window sill and peered through the scope- still no movement on the package. 

It was a simple assignment- track and follow the package until it reached the buyer and take them in. But the thing had changed hands four times in the past two weeks and Benji's head was starting to spin from jetlag. Now they were in Paris- the most romantic city in the world- and Benji was stuck in this shoe box that smelt like damp from dusk until dawn.  
There was creak from below that signaled Ethan was awake. They were sleeping in shifts but that didn't seem to make Ethan sleep for longer than a few hours. It would worry Benji more if he weren't the same. As he watched, he listened to the muffled movement downstairs- it was oddly reassuring. 

A few minutes later the door behind him opened and Ethan came in. It was Late January and Benji was wrapped in a cardigan and scarf, while Ethan had substituted a short sleeve shirt for a long sleeved one. It was maddening. 

"Aren't you cold?" Benji grumbled. 

"Not really. Any movement?"  
"Nothing. Guard went out for a cigarette at 3." Benji said, reading from the notebook in his lap. Time stamps were written in the margins with explanations beside them. Ethan's handwriting, then Benji's, then Ethan's and so on. 

"Alright. You get some sleep." Ethan said, sitting in the chair next to Benji. 

He glared at him accusingly. "It's been three hours." 

"So, keep me company." 

"I- Fine." Benji sighed, handing over the pad and binoculars, and tucked his hands that ached from the cold into his fleece pocket. For a while they sat in the silence. It was easy to be quiet with Ethan, he was never a man of many words but his silence was reassuring to Benji; stoic. He was half nodding off when his phone buzzed again and he sighed. 

"Who's texting you at this hour?" 

"Mary- my sister." Benji glanced at Ethan's expectant expression and sighed again. "It's my birthday." 

"Benji," Ethan said face morphing so dramatically, into horror and guilt Benji wanted to laugh. "I forgot." 

"It's okay, I was hoping you would. You know how I feel about my birthday." Benji grumbled, scooting lower in his chair. Ethan hummed noncommittally. 

"She always bothers me about it," Benji said quietly after another few minutes. "Like she's trying to force me to celebrate." 

"It's your birthday, Benji." 

"It's the day my mother died, Ethan, I don't want to celebrate." Benji snapped with immediate regret. "I'm sorry." 

Ethan's face was neutral. "S'okay... Do you miss her?" 

"I hardly saw her. She and dad were still in the UK and work kept me so busy I hardly saw them. Not that I wanted to, you know 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' and all that." Benji chewed his lip. "She was a cold woman. It's why she and dad worked. He was a big puppy, she was a snooty cat. But I always felt loved, in a very practical way mind you-" Ethan huffed. "-but loved... I guess I feel guilty for not missing her more." 

Ethan seemed satisfied with this and turned his attention back to the mission. Over the roofs Paris' purple and black sky seemed so much closer like it might crush Benji. He swallowed around the lump in his throat. 

"I'm going out for a minute. Take over." Ethan put the notebook in his lap and strode to the door. 

"Wh- why do you get to go out?" Benji called over his shoulder. "Hey! ...At least get me a coffee or something!" 

He grumbled and sank even lower in his chair. Whose sadistic idea was it to have a safe house in Paris facing the wrong way and with no heating? Brandt probably; guy had no notion of comfort. In the end he texted Mary back with a bunch of knife emoji's and a ':/'.

Twenty minutes later he heard the back door again. Footsteps went to the kitchen, then ascended the stairs.

"It’s about time! I swear one of these days I'm-" He stopped when he turned in his chair. Ethan stood there, in a coat with flushed cheeks, holding a cupcake in one hand. With the other he was trying to light the tiny candle sticking out of the pink frosting. Benji's mouth fell open in disbelief. When the wick caught flame Ethan pocketed the lighter and came over, sitting to face Benji with the cake between his hands. 

"Happy birthday, Benji." 

He was stunned, utterly stunned by the rush of love he felt at the sight of Ethan sitting before him looking bashful and determined at the same time. He was so in love with this man it brought tears to his eyes. 

"I- What the hell kind of bloody bakery is open at almost one a.m?" Benji spluttered. 

"A guy owed me a favour." It was such a cryptic answer, such an 'Ethan' answer Benji couldn't help laughing. It was more of a giggle and Benji blushed furiously as Ethan's smile grew. 

"Ethan, I don't know what to say." 

The man shrugged. "Don't say anything, just blow out your candle and make a wish." Proffering the cake, Ethan waited patiently for Benji to slowly sit forward and blow the light away. As he thought of what to wish for, he looked at Ethan. His crooked nose, his bright eyes, his infectious smile. He knew exactly what to wish for. 

"Do you want to share it with me?" Benji asked. 

"Okay." 

Benji took the cake from Ethan's hand and went downstairs to find a knife and plate. He felt like he was walking on air. He always felt blue on his birthday but for the first time he was smiling guilt free- because Ethan knew how to do it. Ethan knew him. 

He rooted through two draws, finding spoons and old tape and bottle tops but no knife. As he ducked into a cupboard there was noise from the stairs. 

"Ethan, I can't find a knife do you know where one is?" 

"Benji the package is on the move!" Ethan yelled from halfway up the stairs. Benji looked sadly at his cake, gently placed it on the counter, and ran after Ethan through the back door. 

-

They piled into the van (marked as a cleaning service), Ethan behind the wheel and Benji opening a laptop. He scrolled through the protocol's until the local CCTV cameras dotted the screen. 

"They're headed left. If you take the street ahead and two rights we can get behind them easily." Benji commanded and Ethan put the van in gear. The sped through the narrow Parisian back road until a shadowy green sedan crossed their path. "That's them." 

For fifteen minutes they followed. Benji thought of the cake back in the safe house he might not get to eat, and of the kindness Ethan gave out even after all the things he's been through. 

As the car turned off, Benji guided them to a subtle place to park, and follow on foot. It was starting to rain as they moved toward the stairs leading beneath the bridge where the car had gone. Ethan silently gestured for Benji to take the other side of the bridge- covering both exits. Benji nodded and drew his gun as he crossed the road. 

It still sent a thrill through him to hold a weapon- with a hint of fear at the prospect of pulling the trigger. 

Under the bridge all was dark, except for the interior car light which dimly lit two figures by the passenger door. Benji kept close to the wall, shadows providing invisibility. He knew somewhere opposite, Ethan was in the same position. The voices were quiet, in heated discussion. The figure closest to the car walking to the boot and opened it, taking out a reinforced steel case. The second man- the buyer presumably- joined him as he closed the boot and put it on top. The latches clicking echoed. Satisfied with the contents, the buyer turned to the seller and reached into his pocket. 

The gunshots made Benji flinch and it took a second for him to react. He ran forward, shoes echoing and making the buyer turn. Benji gasped and zig-zagged as bullet ricochet on the cobbles, then returned fire. The buyer ducked and disappeared from the car light with the package in hand. It was under control: he was running toward Ethan. 

Thirty seconds later Benji could hear fists connected with flesh. He almost collided with the grappling pair in the dark but skidded to a halt, kicking out the buyer's leg and make him trip. Ethan grabbed him and hit him swiftly across the face, and the guy crumpled to the ground. They both stood in the darkness, panting and waiting for him to move. 

"Let's use his car, easier than trying to carry him up the stairs." Benji said breathlessly. Ethan nodded and together they balanced the package on the man's chest, took his arms and legs and carried him awkwardly to the car. 

"Why did he shoot him?" Benji asked, surveying the body by the other car. 

"Who knows. This guy was a prick." Ethan replied. Benji hummed and, in a moment of pity, reach out to close the man's eyelids. He yelped as the man groaned and rolled sideways. 

"Jesus!" 

The man said something in French and opened his palm. 

"Wh-" Benji looked down and his whole body frozen- around his thumb was a pin, in his palm; a grenade. 

"Ethan!" 

He heard Ethan's breath catch behind him. "The river!" Ethan yanked him up and they ran for the water but Benji scrambled back, remembering the case. 

Ethan yelled as Benji grabbed the package from by the wheel. He got four steps before the grenade went off. He felt it first, the white hot heat wave throwing him forward. He closed his eyes and wrapped the case to his chest before weightlessness became freezing water all around him. 

-

Ethan took him swimming once. The Imf training facility had a pool in the basement to teach diving and breath control. Ethan was already in the water when Benji arrived, charging up and down the pool. He looked so natural in the water Benji was briefly caught up watching. 

When he broken the surface and whipped his hair back Benji was sure he'd have a heart attack. Ethan smiled at him, eyelashes glistening. 

"You ready?" 

Benji swallowed. "I'm not so sure about this." 

"You'll be okay, I'll be here the whole time." Ethan chuckled. 

The water was cool, even in a wet suit Benji winced as he slipped in. Ethan watched him with amusement, chin just above the surface and Benji gave him a withering glare. 

"Let's get this over with then." Benji sighed. 

"Okay, Benji," Ethan laughed again. "So how long can you hold your breath at the moment?" 

"About... a minute." 

"We'll see. Okay take some long deep breaths, it's important to keep your heart rate low so the oxygen you have travels round your body at a much slower rate. Meaning, you can spend longer without breathing." Ethan explained with hand gestures to his torso and Benji thought he could have had a career as a teacher in another life. They breathed together and Benji could feel it. 

"Okay?" Ethan pulled on a string tucked under the collar of his wet suit and retrieved a stop-watch. "It's not a competition okay stay under as long as you think you can, and we'll work up from there." 

Benji nodded, trusting the calm look in Ethan's eyes. They were bright and confident and it filled Benji with calm too. He took another few deep breaths then closed his eyes and plunged beneath the surface. 

-

The air that hit his lungs as he broken the water burned. The weight of the package immediately made him slip under again and he gagged on a mouthful of water. He trod water for a moment, looking around for Ethan but saw him nowhere. Don't panic, he thought, don't panic Ethan can hold his breath for six minutes I've seen it. Metres away both cars were burning, hot flames lapping at their chassis'. 

He could hear the sirens already and knew he had to go, with or without Ethan. He turned in the water and started swimming- at a limping pace with the case dragging him down. 

At the other side of the river, he hauled the case and then himself out- muscles screaming in protest as he pushed himself up. 

It was still dark- half the sky looming blue with a oncoming sunrise. Get separated? Meet at the safe house by 0400, Benji repeated in his head over and over.It was a mantra as he walked, shivering against the night air. They'd be okay. He'd be okay. Ethan would be okay. 

-

The second safe house was nicer than the last one, on a quiet terrace row. The hand-print sensor turned blue in recognition and let him pass through the front door into an echoing hallway. But it was hard to admire when Benji couldn't feel his toes and his teeth were chattering too hard to hear his own thoughts. He went up the stairs and found the bedroom safe, securing the package inside. 

Almost immediately Benji stripped down and threw the clothing across the room as he went to the en suite. He turned on the shower and twist the dial all the way round to red, stepping under the spray. He whimpered and closed his eyes, relishing the sensation of his muscles thawing. As it got hotter, he leaned against the tiles- exhaustion setting in. 

Now he could feel the soreness or the explosion up his back- he was lucky he'd been thrown from the blast. What if Ethan was hurt? What if he hit the water at the wrong angle and drowned? Benji felt sick at the thought and slide to the ground, sitting under the spray and holding back tears. 

He was in there for a long time, until he felt able to stand without his legs giving out. A stack of towels sat on a shelf and Benji wrapped himself in one and went to find clothing. 

On the bed of the second bedroom he found a duffel and took out a pair of jeans, underwear, a soft green jumper and boots. With relief he put the jeans on and found they fit nicely. As he picked up the jumper he saw his reflection and turned to peer at his back. It was distinctly red and with cuts from debris all over, but it was nothing in the long run. 

Now dressed, he found his wet clothes- pausing to stare in amazement at the burnt state of the back of his coat- and binned them. 

Another duffel in the kitchen held tech which Benji marveled at like a kid on Christmas. He found the laptop and stared searching the news and contacting the Imf. It distracted him from the clock and the lack of another presence by his side. 

Until he glanced up and saw 0530 on the clock. 

His heart started to race. This couldn't be happening. It was his birthday. It was the day his mother died. It couldn't be the day Ethan... 

He waited another half hour but fatigue tugged at his eyelids. Benji could feel himself nodding off even as the time passed and dread set in. No. Ethan will be here, Benji told himself. He will. He closed the laptop and pulled the gloc from the duffel, before laying on the sofa. He tucked the gun beneath the cushion and tried to sleep. 

-

The click and beep of the door security jolted Benji awake. He rose from the sofa, drawing the gun cautiously. The door opened quietly and closed, locks clicking into place. Benji waited a few feet from the doorway until the person stepped into view. He drew a sharp breath when Ethan came into view, damn and pale. 

"Benji." He said, voice hoarse. 

"Oh God, Ethan, you're okay." Benji half gasped, going to him and hugging him hard. Ethan grunted but returned the hug- probably trying to absorb as much warmth as possible, because he was ice cold against Benji. 

"Benji." Ethan breathed again, and Benji felt him turn his face into his neck; nose tucked under his jaw. Benji felt even hotter now but relished in it, until he realised the body against him with trembling. 

"Shit, you must be freezing how long have you been wandering around soaked?" Benji said, moving back an inch too press his palm against Ethan's damp jacket. 

"We were supposed to meet here at 0400." Benji muttered. 

"I was... looking for you. Lost track of time. Are there any dry clothes here?" 

"Wh- Oh! Yes, there's a shower upstairs too. Amazing water pressure. Go, I'll uh, I'll tell base you're here." 

"Okay. Thanks, Benji." Ethan moved slowly, and Benji realised he must be knackered too. 

In the kitchen he quickly typed an update to the server, and made two cups of hot tea. He took the pale blue mug and went upstairs, looking around until he found Ethan in the same bedroom he'd used. He almost spilt the tea when he realised Ethan was dress down to his boxers. 

"I- Sorry, I thought something hot might help." 

Ethan smiled and took it gratefully. "This is great." 

"You're hurt." Benji said. He'd be trying to avoid staring at Ethan's torso but glanced down and saw a gash on his ribs. It was inches above the scar Benji stitched up a few weeks earlier. 

"I think something blew off the car and hit me." Ethan sighed like he had broken a nail or dropped a paperclip. 

"Jesus, Ethan," Benji bent a took a look. It was shallow but guilt consumed him. "If I'd just got in the water when you said..." 

"Benji you did good, you completed our mission." Ethan touched his shoulder. "It's barely a scratch." 

Benji wanted to protest but he knew it wouldn't work so he sighed. 

"I'll find the first aid kit." 

"I'm gonna shower. The tea is great by the way." 

Benji's whole body was shaking and he assured himself it was because of the cold he was certainly getting. He waited for Ethan in the kitchen, trying to steel himself. His crush was getting sorely out of hand. It was easy most of the time, they were always working and busy. But in moments like this, the lulls, those thoughts would return like the ocean to the shore- stronger and louder than before. 

Ten minutes after he heard the shower shut off, Ethan came to the kitchen and it really didn't help that he was just in a towel around his waist. Benji's cheeks started to burn. Ethan's chest was a map of his life; smattered with pale scars on his tan. He was so well toned it made Benji blush with attraction and envy. 

Ethan sat on the chair next to Benji, and Benji glared studiously at the antiseptic in his hand- batting away the thought of just how far down his tan went.

"It's really not that bad, Benji." Ethan said, who must have assumed Benji's averted gaze is to do with guilt of the I-almost-got-my-teammate-killed variety. 

"No, I know." Benji sighed and soaked a cotton ball in the cloying liquid. He stepped beside Ethan and touched the ball to the wound, wincing in sympathy at Ethan's intake of breath. It really was shallow when Benji wiped away the dried blood. He ignored how warm Ethan was under his palm beside the gash. He ignored Ethan's knee pressed against him, and ignored the precarious way the towel stretched over his legs. Ethan's eyes burnt a hole in the side of Benji's head like he could see exactly what he was thinking. 

"I don't think you'll need stitches." Benji said as he straightened. 

"I know." 

Benji gave him a look that Ethan answered with a cheeky smile. He took the padding from the table and gently covered the cut, pulling away the cover and pressing the adhesive to him. Proud of his handy work, he stood back. 

"All done. There should be some clothes in the second bedroom." 

Ethan peered at the bandage. "Nice work." 

"Not my first time." Benji replied. The laptop made a noise and Benji checked it to find an alert from headquarters giving them the time of extraction- tomorrow, 0800. "The extraction team are going to pick us up tomorrow morning, eight a.m." 

Ethan nodded, wet fringe falling across his forehead. "Okay. Let's get some rest." 

Delicately, Ethan stood and gently squeezed Benji’s forearm as he walked away. 

"Ethan!" Benji blurted, stopping him at the doorway. "I, um... thank you for the cake. Even though we didn't get to eat it, it was beautiful and... really nice of you. This is probably the best birthday I've had in years." He laughed bitterly. 

Ethan looked fondly at him and Benji knew that smile would kill him one day. 

"That's a low bar, Benji." 

Benji scratched the back of his head. "Yeah..." 

"I'm glad you're okay. Happy birthday." 

He stood at the counter and listened to the footsteps recede and a door close behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i adore Soft Boy Ethan seriously!
> 
> the titles of the chapters are taken from laura marling songs btw! she's great i highly recommend her!


	3. Take The Night Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys have some time off work...

The smell of cooking sausages and burgers made Benji's stomach growl again. He was so damn hungry and drinking on an empty stomach was making him feel a little tipsy already. He'd lived in the US for twenty years but still found fourth of July celebrations bizarre. But it was an excuse for good food, cold drink and nice company. 

They were at Luther's this year. His house was a beautiful two story suburban dream (that took Benji utterly by surprise the first time he saw it), as was his beautiful wife and two daughters. They ran by screaming and shooting weak water pistols at each other. Most of the guests Benji knew- fellow agents and retirees- and some were Mrs Stickle's friends. 

Everyone was scattered around the big garden, by picnic benches or the pool. Benji watched them from his spot on the patio, safely away from being forced to socialise. Sadly it meant standing near the barbecue and it was torture.

"Luther how much longer, I'm dying here." Brandt asked, coming through the french windows with two fresh beers. He handed one to Luther.

"Everybody remain calm." Luther took a swig. "ETA on burgers is five minutes."

"Oh thank God." Benji groaned skyward. "Can I reserve one?"

"First come first served, Benj." 

"Okay, Chef Ramsay." Benji muttered and Brandt snorted foam. "Call me when it's time. I'm gonna go eat some more crisps before I pass out." 

Inside was cool and quiet, air-con humming distantly. Benji sighed and went to the fridge. It was almost entirely bare but there was a jar of pickles on the bottom shelf.

"Yes, please." Benji said to himself and grabbed it. He groaned in frustration as the lid didn't budge under hand. 

"Piece of-"

"Benji?"

He spun on the spot, caught red handed by Ethan at the doorway. He looked from Benji to the jar in his hand and raised an eyebrow.

"Don't let Melissa see you eating before the food is ready. Or Luther for that matter." Ethan warned in amusement. 

Benji blushed and shook the jar accusingly. "It won't open away."

"Here."

Ethan came over and took it from him. He was dressed in a white tee with an open blue button-up and black jeans tucked in boots. It was about as casual as Ethan would get. Not that Benji minded, the shirt was just low enough to show Ethan's collarbones and it was enticing. It was embarrassing that the smallest slip of skin made Benji so warm all over. 

There was a loud pop and Ethan held up the lid. 

"I loosened it for you." Benji grumbled but took the jar gratefully, taking a pickle and stuffing half of it in his mouth. 

"That's what they all say." Ethan laughed, taking one too and taking a more polite bite. Benji watched him chew thinking about the last time they had a break like this- it was probably after taking down Solomon Lane in London.

"Do you... ever wonder what they did with him?" 

Ethan looked quizzical. "Who?"

"Lane." Benji breathed. Ethan swallowed the turned to the counter, picking up a fresh beer. 

"Sometimes. Do you?"

Benji's fingers twitched towards his chest, feeling too much pressure. "Yeah."

"He's locked up, Benji. That's what helps me sleep at night. We did what we did and Lane is under lock and key because of it. I'm proud of that. Of us. As long as I know everyone's safe- Luther, Ilsa, you, everyone- I can sleep." 

Ethan's nodded toward the patio where Luther and Brandt were in heated discussion of the cooking meat. Benji looked at them fondly, then back at him.

"I have these dreams, Ethan, I can't-"

The door slides open and Brandt leaned through, looking excited. Benji tensed and Ethan looked away, something like irritation on his face. 

"Food is on the table! Get your grub before it's all gone!" He called to them. 

"Thanks, Brandt." The man was gone before Ethan said it, grabbing a plate from the table already. 

"We should..." Benji said, suddenly glad for the interruption- he couldn't put all his troubles on Ethan. He couldn't be weak. 

"Benji." Ethan grabbed his bicep.

"It's fine, Ethan. It's fine." Benji slipped free. "Food's getting cold." He left before he could say anything dumb. 

For the rest of the evening he avoid being alone with Ethan, staying- as much as it irritated him- close to the groups. He played with the kids for a while, teaching them how to play football ("the real kind of football"). It ended with him being dog pilled by five kids yelling at him for being a cheater. As he wrestled Nina off his shoulders he caught Ethan watching him beside Melissa. He was smiling as she said something to him. 

As it got darker more noise rose from the neighbourhood, drunk adults laughing and yelling, music playing from stereos. Benji soaked up the atmosphere, never having seen such a communal gathering in Britain. It was one day a year where everyone was on the same wave length: celebration.

Luther bought out the box of fireworks and set them up at the end of the garden, Nina and Penny helping diligently. They both had the same concentration face as their dad, but the bright smiles of Melissa. They would be lethal agents, though Benji was sure Luther would never let that happen.

Finally it was time- fireworks started going off for miles around. Dogs barked, people cheered. In descending order the fireworks shot into the air, blazing streaks of light that burst into shooting stars showering to earth. 

It reminded Benji of firework's night in Britain, of being a child half frozen in his coat even beside the bonfire. But the moment the fireworks went off, he was transfixed it was like seeing magic for the first time. His mother had picked him up and pointed at them and he'd clapped. 

He smiled as the kids- looking very sleepy but determined to stay awake- cooing at the red sparkles exploding overhead. Brandt was entirely asleep- or unconscious with the amount of beer he'd drank- on a camping chair, head lolling on his hand. Luther stood with Melissa, his arm around her shoulder, and hers around his waist. 

As green lights illuminated the scene, he felt Ethan step next to him. The butterflies that inhabited his stomach nowadays started going wild. 

He glanced at Ethan who was gazing at the sky peacefully. A firework burst and lit up his features softly, eyes glistening with light. Swallowing hard, Benji looked away. 

"I have those dreams too." He heard in the lull between explosions. Benji couldn't find it in him to look at Ethan, knowing it'd break him to do so. After a moment fingers brushed against his and Benji's breath caught. Without looking he turned his palm and felt Ethan's fingers slip between his until their hands were entwined. 

His heart hammered in his chest but it felt so good, so comfortable. He didn't let go until the display with over and everyone clapped. As he applauded with everyone else he looked at Ethan, and knew something had changed in that moment. 

-

For days Benji wondered what to do. He wanted this so badly, he'd wanted it for so long, the idea of it being possible now- was hard to fathom. Benji went to work, to headquarters, and stared blankly at his monitor. All he could feel was Ethan's hand in his. The day seemed to pass in a blur of people telling to do things and him trying to do them. Before long it was dark outside and Benji was alone sat at his desk, tie loosened and sleeves rolled up.

He glared at the slowly decrypting usb content, code ticking away. 

He glanced up from the devilish green text and saw Ethan walking by the glass dividers, looking at his phone. Benji's heart did a little somersault.

"Ethan!" He called on impulse, and the man looked around. He saw Benji and smiled, doubling back to come through the doorway.

"Benji." Every time Ethan said his name it sent a thrill through him. "It's almost 4am what are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing. Jane needed some decrypting done asap so, I'm here. Why are you?" 

"Organising some new courses for the trainees." Ethan answered, perching on Benji's desk. It was like so many times before but somehow made Benji spark with nervous energy. 

"Lost track of time."

"Any prospects?"

"A few."

Benji hummed and the code on the screen suddenly jumped to life. "Ah, finally!" He cracked his knuckles and started typing, very aware of Ethan's spectator ship. He condensed the unlocked files and sent them on a private e-mail to Jane's secure laptop. 

"And now I can leave."

"Excellent." Ethan said. They both stood and Benji pulled on his coat and scarf as they walked to the door. Ethan carried his coat by his side.

Outside Benji still winced at the chill, tucking his hands in his pockets. Ethan looked fine but goosebumps still appeared up his arm.

"Do you want to get something to eat?" Ethan asked. As if hearing his question, Benji's stomach growled.

"Um, yes. I'm starving."

"I know. You always forget to eat when your on desk duty," Ethan chuckled. "What do you fancy?"

It took a moment for Benji to answer, distracted by the idea Ethan knew him well enough to notice that. "I- um... Chinese? There's a good place a couple of blocks from here."

"Sounds good."

"Wait, wait! Put your coat on," Ethan started to laugh but Benji kept going (but couldn't fight off the smile). "No seriously! You may be mr super agent but even you can get a cold. Just, please, put it on for me."

"Okay, Benji. For you." Ethan put on the coat, a black pea-coat, and stood in front of Benji with his arms spread as if to say 'happy now?'. 

"Good." Benji nodded.

They walked quietly, Benji wasn't sure what to say. He would usually fill these moments with awkward small talk but Ethan wasn't like other people, he didn't seem uncomfortable with the quiet. 

The soft yellow light of the restaurant was like a beacon in the dark. Benji's stomach made noise again and Ethan gave him a look.

"Did you eat at all today?" 

"I had an energy bar in my desk." Benji mumbled and Ethan hummed disapprovingly.

Before Ethan could scold him, they were seated at a table by the window by a nice- but very tired looking- woman. Benji knew she was the owner and greeted her with a familiar smile. She asked if he wanted his regular order and he said yes.

"I'll have what he's having, thank you," Ethan said charmingly. She bobbed her head and left them. "You come here a lot?"

"Too much, I'm starting to realise." Benji replied sheepishly. They talked softly, the room devoid of people made it oddly more intimate- surrounded by dimmed light except the lamp between them, and the buzzing neon overhead.

When the food came Benji waited for Ethan to try it first, watching him expectantly. Ethan took a bite and chewed, pretending not to see Benji's waiting look. 

"Well?"

"Are you just gonna watch me eat the whole thing or...?" Ethan asked with half a mouthful.

Benji laughed and shook his head. "What do you think?"

"It's good. Really good."

Something warm and pleased settled in Benji's stomach, beside the moo shoo. The butterflies were quiet. They ate in relative silence, Benji occasionally stealing glances at Ethan. It was a rare sight seeing Ethan so at ease though Benji knew they were at the table with his back to the wall for a reason. He was never not on the job and neither was Benji. But there was that feeling of safety with Ethan, he wasn't afraid to sit facing away from the door because Ethan had his back. He just hoped he knew Benji had his. 

"I'm leaving." 

Benji looked up from his drink. "What?"

"There's been chatter... about syndicate agents. I have to go to London again. I don't know for how long."

"Oh..." He looked at his plate, appetite suddenly gone. "When?"

"Tomorrow."

"And you're telling me this now?"

Ethan sat forward, looking at Benji hard. "I didn't want to have to say goodbye."

"Yeah, well, neither do I."

"Then we won't," Ethan looked out of the window. "Odds are I'll need your help at some point. We'll see each other soon, Benji."

Benji chewed his lip. It shouldn't have felt any different to the other times Ethan had left but somehow it did. They could both feel it- Ethan was watching him with a sadness in his eyes, lips turned down slightly.

"Okay," Benji said, pushing his plate away.

"C'mon I'll walk you home."

-

Ethan paid, of course, chatting with the owner who easily fell for his charm. Benji watched them from one side, tired and wired all at once. 

Benji didn't live far and they walk the route without speaking. It made Benji a little warm to see Ethan still remembered the way to his house. He thought of the night Ethan appeared in his window, drugged and wounded. Ethan trusted him even in his weak moments.

"Why did you climb through my window that night?" Benji asked.

Ethan huffed, his breath appearing in a translucent cloud. "I wasn't sure if you were home. Felt like the thing to do."

"Climb two stories to a locked window?"

"I was drugged, Benji."

Benji laughed.

"Do you... remember much?"

Ethan stopped and Benji realised they were outside his block of flats already. His hands were tucked in his coat and he looked at Benji with consideration, like he was making up his mind. It made Benji fidget. 

"I woke up in your bed and for a minute I thou-" Ethan's jaw clenched. "-It took a minute. But I remember everything, yeah. And I meant it, Benji, even thought it was the drugs making me. I don't regret telling you now."

Even in the chilly night air Benji's face was red hot. 

"I... I don't have much family," Benji cleared his throat. "I mean my sister is here but I don't see her much... When I joined the Imf I was terrified. I'd been in American less than a year and this place is... you can get lost in it. So, um, when this guy came to me to hack an e-mail and he was nice to me and spoke to me like I was a person and bought me a coffee-" He smiled, "-I realised I wasn't lost, I was exactly where I was meant to be... New York it's- no one talks here, no one looks you in the eye but you did. And- what I'm trying to say is, what you said- you're my family too."

Ethan was smiling too. "You don't drink coffee but you didn't say anything."

"I was too nervous!" Benji laughed. "Ethan Hunt was buying me lunch, I couldn't say anything!" They both laughed, the atmosphere lightening a little.

Benji looked at the doorway and then at Ethan. He didn't want him to leave. 

"I have to go," Ethan muttered, as if reading Benji's mind. "My flights in an hour."

"Oh, oh right." Benji looked at the ground, hating how choked up he felt. This was no different from any other week, any other mission. Then Ethan's hand touched his again and Benji saw those fireworks again. Their fingers curled together, Ethan's hooking Benji's between his own. 

"I'll see you soon."

Benji felt his pulse jump as Ethan leant forward and pressed his lips to Benji's cheek. He never thought he'd feel so undone by a kiss to the cheek, but he found himself leaning in. He closed his eyes as it lingered, and realised his grip on Ethan's hand was white-knuckle tight. As Ethan drew back, Benji felt himself break. He couldn't take the idea of Ethan leaving without knowing. 

He took Ethan's face between his hands and kissed him. For a moment nothing happened and Benji started to panic but then Ethan caught up; tilting his head and kissing Benji back. His hands appeared inside Benji's coat, sliding to his waist and pulling him closer. Ethan's tongue touched his lips and Benji couldn't help the noise he made. 

He kissed Ethan until he couldn't breath and pulled away, gasping for air. Ethan was panting too, his grip on Benji's shirt tight. His glasses were croaked on his nose. They looked at each other and both smiled shyly. Benji let his hands move to Ethan's hair and he watched Ethan take a deep breath and lean into it. The air crackled with a new kind of electricity.

"I... I have to go." Ethan muttered again.

"Yeah." Benji sighed. "Yeah okay."

This time Ethan kissed him gently, a soft goodbye- unspoken but felt. He straightened Benji's glasses and stepped away. Suddenly Benji was cold again. Ethan squeezed his hand once more and walked away.


	4. Don't Pass Me By

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they're finally here and it's a speedy descent...

Benji stood in the doorway of the medical tent watching Ethan smile at Ilsa, something tearful in his eyes. The heat of battle had since passed and he felt bone tired, throat aching and arms shaking. He wanted to lay down and cry, and sleep. Luther glanced at him and he smiled back but he knew the man could see through him entirely too easily. 

Ilsa spoke to Ethan quietly, intimately and suddenly Benji felt that twist of envy inside. Quietly he slipped away, breathing the cold air deeply and feeling it burn his throat. 

Everything was fixed- Solomon Lane was gone, Walker killed, Ethan finally hand closure with Julia, he finally had closure with Lane. But he felt off. He ran a hand across his throat, bruises humming with pain. 

"Benji." Ilsa stood in the doorway, "he wants to see you."

She was beautiful and Benji understood what Ethan must see. He walked back up the steps but her hand stopped him before he went inside the tent.

"Thank you. You saved my life, today." She said quietly.

"You saved mine too." He said, pressing his hand over hers. 

"It would have destroyed him if you died," her eyes flickered to the tent. "I couldn't let that happen."

Benji frowned as she walked away. "I, wait, Ilsa-" But she didn't stop. She never stopped for anyone but herself and Benji loved that about her.

Inside Luther and Julia were talking at the other end of the room, like a pair of old friends catching up. Benji supposed they were, since he'd been the one to train her in the art of becoming a ghost. 

A few feet away Ethan lay in the cot watching them too, something sad in his eyes. Benji went to him quietly not wanting to break the spell but as soon as he moved, Ethan turned his gaze on him. 

"Hey," He said, leaning against the cot a little. 

"Hey," Ethan murmured, his voice rougher than Benji's. His smile was sad. "Ilsa told me what happened, you okay?" 

"I-No," Benji chuckled. "No but I will be."

"Yeah. I know," Ethan's gaze traveled from his eyes to his throat, his brow furrowing as it did. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to-"

"You can't always be there, Ethan. But you're here, now," Benji took Ethan's hand and was flooded with relief when Ethan squeezed back. "Weird seeing Julia again?"

They looked over to where the two were still talking quietly, sat side by side on a cot.

"Yeah. But good. I needed to know and now I do," he said softly.

"Know what?"

"That she was okay. That I'm at peace with the decision we made," Ethan's thumb ran over his knuckles. "That I've moved on."

Benji sighed and nodded. "Ilsa-"

"Ilsa?" Ethan adjusted his head on the pillow and peered at Benji. "Did I kiss Ilsa five weeks ago?"

"N-no." Benji blushed.

"Right. Benji, this whole mission- it's made me think. I can't keep wasting time. We've waited so long." Benji felt like his heart was about to leap out of his chest and Ethan seemed to be able to tell, smiling adoringly. "What I'm saying is; I'm ready when you are."

Benji smiled back, achingly tired but filled with joy. "Okay." 

-

For a week Benji hid in his flat. They were given three weeks off to recuperate and heal but Benji spent most of the first week battling nightmares and the desire to see Ethan. He wanted to see him so badly but didn't know what to say or do. He was ready, absolutely, but how do you say that? 

He finally got his act together when Luther called to tell him Ethan was getting out of the hospital the next day.

"I was gonna pick him up but if you...?"

"Yes!" Benji blurted. "I mean, I-I'll do it."

"Okay, Benji," Luther said, sounding distinctly smug. "You two gotta get it together sooner or later."

Benji spluttered. "You, Luther, I- there's-"

"C'mon, man. We've been rooting for you guys for years."

"'We'? Who's 'we'?" Benji asked.

"People at headquarters. There's a pool going." 

"And you're telling me this now!" Benji cried, covering his face and groaning. Luther chuckled. 

"I'm just sayin', you guys'll win me a whole lot of money." 

Luther was still laughing when Benji hung up. 

-

The hospital was a half hour drive and Benji spent the whole journey trying to rehearse what he was going to say. He parked up and looked in the mirror, running his hand through his hair. He'd showered and taimed his beard a little to try and look like he hadn't spent a week in pajamas on his sofa (why did Ethan like him? He wondered, not for the first time). 

He felt horrifyingly self-conscious as he walked the hall to Ethan's room. He stopped outside, adjusting his glasses and taking a deep breath. 

Ethan was watching television and Benji could see the scars on his face were already healing. The bouquet of flowers crinkled in his hand as he tensed, and Ethan looked over.

"Benji." He said warmly. 

"Hi, I-" Benji stepped in with a sense of Deja-vu. He lifted the flowers, feeling foolish. "Bought these for... some reason. Are you ready to get out of here?"

Ethan swung out of the bed, hand caressing his delicate ribs. "Definitely."

The nurse insisted on wheeling him to the exit, to Ethan's chagrin and Benji's amusement. Ethan kept a hold of the flowers the whole time though, so Benji didn't tease him. 

Outside Ethan took a long breath and stretched, his shoulders popping and making Benji wince. He led them to the car and ignored Ethan's grumpy look when he opened the passenger door for him.

"The flowers are beautiful by the way." Ethan said, lifting them. They were some pink flower, Benji had no idea what but they were nice. "So how are you?"

"I'm okay, the bruising's almost gone. How're the ribs?"

Ethan ran a hand over his chest. "They're good. I heal fast."

"I know, you're a bloody superhero." Benji grumbled. 

-

Benji didn't realise what he was doing until he parked outside his flat and Ethan looked at him with raised eyebrows.

"I... Sorry, I drove here automatically," Benji said sheepishly. "To be fair I don't know where you live!"

"That's okay, I don't actually have a place at the moment. I was staying at a hotel."

"Jesus, Ethan, you need somewhere to be when you're not a work."

"When am I not working, Benji?"

Benji glared at him. "You're staying with me." Ethan opened his mouth, likely to protest, but Benji got out of the car.

Inside, Benji watched Ethan wander into the living room with a returning sense of deja-vu.

"If you wanna change I can get you some clothes. You can shower too." 

"Thanks, I need to get the hospital smell off me."

Ethan showering gave Benji a chance to breath. He shed his coat and jacket, throwing them on the sofa. When was he supposed to bring this up? He went to his room and assembled a pile of clothes. He left them outside the door and knocked, quickly telling Ethan they were there. Then he made tea and sat in the kitchen, trying to calm his nerves.

But of course, Ethan came out of the bathroom in nothing but jeans and a towel around his neck. Benji probably could have shattered the mug in his hand if he didn't like it so much. He studiously avoided eye contact.

"Couldn't get the t-shirt on." 

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'll um, help." Benji got up and reached for the shirt but Ethan stopped him with a hand on his chest.

"Talk to me, Benji." He said quietly.

"I..." Benji suddenly knew exactly how he felt. All the knots inside untwisted and fell away and it was just him and Ethan standing inches apart. "I'm ready."

"You're-"

"I'm ready. I-I have been for a while but I was scared. But now, after everything... It's you Ethan, God, it's you. I'm ready." 

He kissed Ethan, cautiously, until Ethan's hand slide from his chest to his neck. Two simple words broke down the barriers Benji had created in his mind and he realised he was free from hesitation. He bit at Ethan's lip and they both gasped in delight. Then Benji was pulling at the towel and throwing it aside to move down and kiss Ethan's neck.

"Benji we don't have to-"

"I want to." Benji murmured against his neck and he felt Ethan groan. "God, I want to, Ethan."

"Okay." Ethan gasped, dragging him back up to kiss him again. "Bedroom, then."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is a sexc epilogue, a sexpilogue... pretend i didnt say that
> 
> hope you've enjoyed this and thank you for putting up with my terrible writing and love for these boys!!!


	5. Soothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh my here we go!

Benji could hardly move he was still in a state of disbelief. Ethan sat back in his lap and gently took the glasses from his face, tossing them onto the other side of the bed.

"Every time you wore glasses, I'd have to stop myself from kissing you." Ethan murmured. Benji's breath hitched as Ethan's fingers curled beneath his t-shirt and pulled it over his head. As soon as Benji was free he surged up and kissed Ethan hard, almost toppling them off the edge of the bed. Ethan's chuckle was muffled into a moan as he kissed back, holding Benji's face between his hands. 

Touching Ethan's bare skin was incredible, he couldn't help running his hands down his spin to feel the muscles shift before squeezing his ass like he'd always wanted to do. 

When Ethan pushed him away he whimpered, desperate for more already. But Ethan didn't relent and made Benji lay back, before rising onto his knees and unbuckling Benji's belt. 

"Move back." Ethan said quietly and Benji did, Ethan dragging his trousers down as he did. He leaned up on his elbows and watched Ethan kneel at the bed and gently extract the jeans from his legs. He suddenly felt very self-conscious in just his underwear while Ethan was half clothes, still in his trousers. But from the moment Ethan met his eyes he felt safe. 

Ethan cast aside Benji's clothes then wrapped his hands around Benji's leg, lifting his shin to his lips. Benji took deep breathes, watching Ethan kiss up his calf to the crook of his knee. He bit at the soft skin and Benji had to grab the sheets for something to anchor him. He closed his eyes and tipped his head back, just feeling Ethan's path up his thigh. He would bite then press his tongue against the sting, then kiss. It was maddening. 

Benji gasped as Ethan nosed at the crease of his thigh, brushing against Benji's painfully hard cock. He looked up at Benji again as he moved, slipping his tongue under the waistband of his boxers. But before Benji could do anything he moved on kissing up Benji's chest, biting the soft skin of his belly and pressing his lips to each rib. He held onto Benji's hip as he went, holding him into the mattress.

He reached Benji's nipple and tongued at the pink skin before biting down. As he did he ground his jean clad hip against Benji and the shock of pleasure and pain made Benji sob.

"Jesus, Ethan."

"Your hands," Ethan answered, hoarse voice betraying his cool exterior. He moved up, straddling Benji's chest and leaning down to kiss Benji's fingers. 

Then he took Benji's wrists and drew them over his head, pressing Benji's palms into the sheets for him to hold onto. "Stay there."

He felt dizzy, possessed with Ethan's slow kisses down his arm and across his jaw. Finally he took Benji's lips, sliding his tongue over his messily. Benji didn't see Ethan move his palm from the mattress but he felt the sudden pressure on his cock and cried out.

He was sure he was going to tear the sheets apart as Ethan slide his palm up Benji's aching length, teasingly slow. He could feel Ethan's harsh breath against his cheek, Benji's eyes were closed but he felt Ethan watching him. Knowing all of Ethan's attention was on him was intoxicating. Unable to take it any longer he grabbed at Ethan, digging his fingers into the scruff of Ethan's neck and ass. They both groaned desperately, Benji opened his eyes just to see Ethan's wanton gaze. He kissed him hard as Ethan tightened his grip around Benji, moving faster.

He wanted to tell Ethan he loved him, tell him he needed him more than he knew, had loved him longer than he knew. But all he could do was kiss him and grip him harder and thrust into his palm.

"Jesus, Benji, you have no idea-" Ethan murmured into his cheek, "-you have no idea how good you look." That pushed him over the edge. Benji moaned, thrusting hard into Ethan's tight grip and came undone between their bodies. It took a minute for him to breath again, head spinning with ecstasy. When he focused on Ethan he saw his flushed face, his dark eyes, damp hair askew and lips shiny. Then he smiled and Benji was flooded with utter devotion again.

In one motion he rolled them over, straddling Ethan's thighs. They were both smiling when Benji leaned forward to kiss him breathlessly. As he kissed him he ran his hand down Ethan's chest- feeling like his wildest dreams were coming true- and undid his trousers. This time Ethan's breath stuttered and his grip on Benji's hips tightened.

"You don't have to." Ethan whispered.

"I want to."

He reveled in running his tongue across Ethan's chest, listening to his breath catch when he kissed the feverish skin. He reached his hips and bit at the jutted bone as he hooked his fingers into his waistband and pulled them down.

He wasted no time, feeling the tension in Ethan's body. As he licked at the cock in front of him he wondered when the last time Ethan had sex was, when he last had someone take him like this. It made him half crazed to think of all the things he wants to do- to actually fuck Ethan and watch him come apart under him. He felt Ethan twitch in his mouth and his hand slide over Benji's jaw, fingers curling there gently. 

He looked up, delighted by the sight of Ethan's head throw back with his other hand in his fringe. He drew back, running his tongue over the tip and squeezed the base. Ethan gasped, arcing off the bed, and Benji felt the burst of come across his lips. He swallowed at first but choked and drew back, opting to stroke him through it and mouth at the skin of Ethan's bruised hips. Finally, Ethan groaned and went limp- weakly brushing at Benji's hair.

Suddenly feeling heavy, Benji crawled up to press his face into Ethan's neck, half collapsing on top of him. Ethan slipped his hands around Benji's waist, running his fingers up his spine.

Benji sighed, kissing Ethan's jaw before leaning up to peer at him a little blearily. It made Ethan grin and laugh and lean down to kiss him sweetly.

"You okay?" He asked, bumping their noses together.

"Yeah." Benji answered. "Are you?" 

"I'm great." Ethan said, kissing him again.

The butterflies in Benji's stomach fluttered softly. He wondered what Ethan was thinking, laying there looking at Benji with his arm under his head. Something told him it was similar to what he was on his mind too. Ethan pulled up the blanket from the bedside and draped it over them before 

settling back beside Benji. He smiled and shifted into a more comfortable place, against Ethan's side with his face tucked into his neck.

They lay together thinking the same thing; this was exactly where they were meant to be.

-

Ethan woke to darkness. As his eyes adjusted he untense, remembering where he was. They'd moved in the night and Ethan felt Benji behind him, arm draped over his hip. Ethan shifted slightly to peer at Benji's sleeping face, peaceful and content. He looked beautiful to Ethan, and unreal. As if sensing his gaze, Benji's eyes flickered open.

"Okay?" He slurred, still drunk on sleep. Ethan smiled, reaching and running his palm along Benji's arm.

"Yeah. Go back to sleep." He whispered and Benji's eyelid immediately fell shut. Ethan settled back down and sighed, realising that for the first time his mind was still. His thoughts quiet, sated by Benji's presence. As he closed his eyes too, he felt Benji move. He pulled Ethan closer by the waist, tucking him protectively against his chest, and pressed his face into the crook of his neck. Ethan smiled again and knew when they woke up tomorrow, there would be a new and brighter future waiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was so much fun to write!!! hmu on tumblr i am a huge fan of these boys and love to yell about them- http://noaminagata.tumblr.com/

**Author's Note:**

> so this is dedicated to my beautiful friend tom! thank you for encouraging me and yelling @ me and holding my hand as we jumped of the cliff into this fandom!
> 
> more chapters to come!


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